April 18, 2019
I have to say goodbye. I have to forever banish your promise that filled my very existence with emptiness. Live life or live death. That is the choice I must make, a choice you wish to expunge from my DNA.
For you, your promise of life is death; all paths leading to the same door. The lie that I can live without living must come to an end. Despite this recognition, it is hard to bid adieu to the warm embrace the lies within lies that this life offered; harder still to face the truth of what I had become in the peaceful chaos that was my existence.
To love, to dream, to be loved all sacrificed on the alter of self loathing and selfishness, banishing that inner child into isolation, yearning to be free yet choosing endless days and nights of circular cascading thought and infinite mindless shit masquerading as my reality.
Yet why is it so hard to say goodbye? There was peace, warmth, and purpose in the false promises and lies I had told myself surrendering my days and nights, my weeks and my months, my hobbies, my interests, my love and the love of those around me to the world of fantasy where I sought refuge.
I would do anything to feel the prick of the needle, to feel your warmth course through through my veins as I descended into the blinding darkness in pursuit of the peace that was always within reach, yet never close enough. This obsession, the pursuit of this woeful comfort consumed all that I was. All that I wanted. All that I dreamed.
