July 25, 2019
3 months ago I wrote to a friend:
“… I don’t mean disrespect but I don’t know why people are being so nice. I was awful and don’t deserve this. It’s all so overwhelming. I mean I am so glad I’m not alone but at the same time I don’t know why. Especially the ones I hurt the most. They keep coming back.”
I read this and I cried. I wanted to hug me until I believed that I was worthy of love and everything that comes with that.
I am in a different spot today, but my demons sometimes still tell me I am unworthy. Yet somewhere amongst all those neurons, I believe I am worthy.
Why else would I invest so much time and energy into my recovery?
In my moments of weakness I need to remember this and be patient with those parts of me that resist and show them the way out with love.
It’s hard, it hurts and sometimes I want to scream ‘fuck it’ and get high taking comfort in my addiction’s familiar embrace.
And that’s okay to feel that way.
That is my hurt coming to the surface and that is exactly when I need to dig deep and not run.
I have come far and nothing can take that from me unless I allow it.
Goodnight my friends.
