October 2, 2019
Some people have asked, how did you become an addict and why didn’t you stop?
Well, how I became one is complicated, but I never believed I would become addicted. A few friends used, and they didn’t seem addicted, so I thought it would be fun to try.
Trust me, I look back and wish I hadn’t. But I did and can’t change that.
At first, I could manage it until I needed it everyday – even then I said, as long as I don’t go into withdrawals, it’s all good.
Then I started needing more everyday, which I learned at Homewood this was when my brain determined I needed the drug more than food or sleep to survive.
By then shame and guilt made me afraid to ask for help – because I would have to admit my problem. It was only when I could not go on living did I ask for help.
Even now the desire to use is strong, despite all the negative consequences. When I relapsed, it was like I was watching myself go and pick up. My rational brain was screaming you don’t want to do this, but I was on autopilot. That was terrifying – having full knowledge of past consequences and the high risks involved, but unable/unwilling to stop myself. This time though, I eventually stopped out of anger. I am learning.
Most days I am good, but when triggered, it is a battle – for now. I yearn for the day I no longer have the desire. Rehab is not a cure, it is a start to recovery.
I started sharing my story 10 months ago to hold myself accountable and to hopefully change perspectives. Addicts could be your neighbours, friends, son, daughter, brother, sister, mother or father. They are people in pain, soothing it and silently screaming for help.
Not everyone can see this, and that’s okay. Their opinion of me is none of my business.
