October 24, 2019
Tonight at NA, we had a reading about illness.
21 years ago, I was given five years to live. It was a difficult time for me coming after some experimenting with drug use, so there was a lot of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.
My downward spiral accelerated until I moved home. I do not believe I fully recovered from that traumatic period.
My councillor asked me if I was afraid of dying – I’m not and this may have created a reservation in my program.
Living Clean says, “We want to be certain we are acting on our beliefs, and not opening a reservation that could lead us back to using.”
Could part of my addiction be that I still believe I may die, despite all evidence to the contrary, so using isn’t going to change anything?
This is why I am so grateful for NA. It forces me to be honest with myself. I want to live and will live a full healthy life if I do not use.
I need to forgive myself for hurting myself, acknowledge and accept that pain I felt so deeply 21 years ago.
I think tonight was big for me.
