Author: Chris

June 19, 2019

One of my assets is my ability to find humour in things, even in stressful times.

I am reminded of the time when my Dad was hospitalized with a suspected tumour. When I arrived at his bedside, we learned it was an abscess and not a brain tumour.

I quipped, “At least we have medical proof you do have a brain.”

Living life on life’s terms can be anything but funny, but if we can keep a sense of humour about us, things that might overwhelm us can be made bearable.

Just for today, when I make mistakes, I will find a way to laugh at the humour of my imperfections.

June 18, 2019

The pressure I put on myself to perform perfectly is an unrealistic pressure that can actually cause me to perform worse.

This obsession with perfection permeates everything I do – including my own recovery.

Perfectionism, for me, arises from expectation, other people’s expectations of myself which can be a reflection of their own short comings.

Striving for excellence means doing my best, whereas perfectionism is an opportunity for self-criticism, that I am never good enough.

Today I will honestly do my very best and be compassionate with myself when mistakes arise.

June 14, 2019

He looked at me as he always has, eyes full of wonder, and said, “It was lonely there. I was afraid. Promise me I’ll never be lonely or afraid again.”

I got down on my knee and took his hand in mine and said, “I can’t promise you won’t be afraid, or even we will never be apart. But I can promise one thing.”

“What?” he asked, tears welling in his eyes. I took his hand and placed it over my heart and mine on his.

“Can you feel that?” I asked.

“Uh huh … it’s really strong”.

“Well,” I said, “When you feel lonely or afraid, and I can’t hear you, close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and feel it beat.”

“I am there, and I’ll do the same, and we will be together.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I can promise you that.”

I put the mirror down and smiled feeling my heart beat stronger.

June 13, 2019

Today, I ignored HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

I felt lonely and tired, saying nothing for fear of being a burden, or rather letting my perceptions of what others would think decide what I should do.

My ego reared it’s head and said, “I got this.”

I don’t.

I felt an incredible urge to use, but instead, I read the NA basic text while I waited for the meeting to start.

My last relapse was instructional.

I cannot nor do not want to go back.

“Although all addicts are basically the same in kind, we do, as individuals, differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery. There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. At other times that freedom can only be achieved by a grim and obstinate willfulness to hang on to abstinence come hell or high water until a crisis passes. An addict, who by any means can lose, even for a time, the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery.” (Basic Text p. 77)

June 13, 2019

16 days clean and serene. 58 days smoke free.

One of the many tools Homewood gave me was the need to maintain a highly scheduled day including self-care, reflection, connecting with people , recovery reading and more.

It can be very busy at times but then I think of all the time I spent in active addiction preoccupied with finding, getting and using.

I am thankful I am busy with healthy activities that nourish the body, mind and soul.

June 12, 2019

I am grateful for Narcotics Anonymous.

I am grateful for the drug dealer who saved my life.

I am grateful for Brentwood and the lessons I learned there and the people I opened myself to like Daniel C for the very first time.

I am grateful for all the doctors, nurses, my addictions counsellor, the Fitness staff, volunteers and Team Blue at Homewood. Steve W, Chris W, Crista C, Tim P, Katharine S, Laura B – miss you.

I am grateful for my parents and sister who support me everyday.

I am grateful for my friends, the friends I convinced myself that hated me but were there with open arms.

I am grateful for my partner, whose support is my foundation.

I am grateful for my recovery and recovery team.

Love you. Good night.

June 11, 2019

 I have an issue with the concept of being “clean” which infers being there is a state of being “dirty.”

I am grateful I am clean, as in not using, but referring to my past as dirty is problematic.

“Dirty” is loaded with shame and judgement.

I feel nothing but sorrow and compassion for Chris the addict. That has allowed me to begin forgiving myself.

I was not dirty, I was lost, in pain, and suffering alone by choice.

Not dirty.

We need to be compassionate with ourselves and not judgemental.

June 10, 2019

I never realised how often I bad talked myself.

Today I caught myself saying “I’m so stupid”, “I’m such a moron”, “I’m not that good.”

But these are the voices of the past that told me I was unworthy and these thoughts influenced my behaviours.

I’m making a conscious effort to speak kindly about myself.

Good night my friends.

June 10, 2019

13 days clean and 55 days smoke free! I would spend a lot of time and money on people to get them to like me.

I would do things for the wrong reason – my motives were self-centered.

I would do things for people with the unspoken expectation that they would return the favour.

In recovery, my motives are changing. I want to do things for people because I actually like them.

I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit.

Today, I will examine my motives.

June 9, 2019

My first white tag when I started NA after 18 months of using.

My first relapse of 37 days, 2nd relapse of 10 days, and 3rd relapse of 3 days.

Orange key tag for 41 days clean before 3rd relapse.

I am getting stronger.

I carry them all on my key chain to remind me.