Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

To Dream

June 9, 2019

12 days clean and 54 days smoke free.

Lost dreams awaken, new possibilities arise.

I am fortunate in that I didn’t lose a lot of years to my drug of choice – yet.

I must remain vilagent.

But I did stop dreaming, culminating in that dark night when I decided dying was my only hope of escape.

I did lose time with those who love me.

I did stop planning and dreaming for the future.

I now look forward to the future and dare to dream again. Starting today, I’ll do whatever I can to realize my dreams.

Why Does It Hurt?

June 8, 2019

The young child looked up at me and asked, “Why does it hurt?” his hand over his heart.

I picked him up and held him in my arms.

“It hurts because people who are also hurting keep trying to take it from you. But you are strong and hold on to it tight.”

“Does yours hurt?” he asked, whispering in my ear.

“It does now,” I replied. “And that’s okay.”

Yet

June 6, 2019

I am grateful to be alive.

The lapse last week could have gone any number of ways. I always would say, I’ll never inject. I’ll never chase a high. I’ll never do that much and a quiet little voice would complete each statement with “yet”.

Last week scared me, but also taught me a hard lesson.

It may seem obvious to some, but last week I finally realised that one is too many and a thousand not enough. I’m grateful to be alive to share my experience and maybe save one addict from going down the same path.

Good night my friends. We did it. I’m clean for another 24.

Moving On

June 5, 2019

Dropped by Homewood and said my proper goodbyes to the nursing staff, some team members still here and my addictions councilor, Kim. I needed closure to move on and I received it along with some phone numbers from Team Blue. Also found the bracelet I made. Means a lot to me. Trust.

Asking For Help

June 5, 2019

As I continue my recovery in Windsor, I have my safety plan which has an online component. Addicts leave all sorts of clues. I become distant, irritable, or simply vanish, isolating myself.

If you notice me acting differently or I have disappeared for more than 2 days from Facebook, please reach out.

If you would like to be part of my online safety plan, message me and I’ll give you a number to call. I do not intend to relapse, just ensuring my safety. The first 90 days are critical.

A Little Kindness

June 4, 2019

This touched me. Thank you.

“I love you so much and am so proud of you. Falling happens, but, you have recently proven, that when you fall not only did you pick yourself up, but you had the desire to pick yourself up. That screams volumes about the type of person you truly are ready to be.”

Shame

June 4, 2019

Shame is a terrible state of mind. It robs me of inner joy and tries to convince me I am not worthy of love. Shame is the shackle around my soul and only when I forgive myself will these chains that bind me fall. Patience I tell myself. I love you, I care about you, and I accept you as you are. Let me hug your tears away.