June 1, 2019
Placing my hand over my heart I breathe deep.
I embrace the shame and guilt I feel and see yet another layer of my soul exposed and vulnerable.
I breathe deep and let the tears flow.
This part of me cries to be held. To be loved. To be forgiven. To live.
It’s okay I tell myself. You did not fail. You just grew tremendously stronger. Be patient with yourself.
Years of shame and resentment will not disappear in days.
Give that part of you that grieves all the love it needs.
June 1, 2019
4 days clean. 46 days smoke free. Discharged from Withdrawal Management in Owen Sound en route to Wiarton by shuttle. I spoke with a complete stranger last night by phone. He filled me with hope and told me to forgive myself and to learn from the experience. I no longer feel ashamed. Thank you Tyler S.
May 30, 2019
When I needed it most. Now to believe it.
From a new friend at Homewood. “At least your in a safe place Chris. I’m glad I met you … you were one of three people who helped me get through those five weeks … your an awesome man man.. I don’t say that to just anyone…”
May 30, 2019
2 days clean. Today I prayed for the first time. I am very frightened. I asked my higher power if there is hope and to give me strength.
I started to read Chapter 5 of the Big Book. One passage reads, “So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!”
Selfishness. Self-will. Self pity. Again I find myself at those three words.
Today, I realised I have not surrendered myself totally.
May 29, 2019
1 day clean. I cannot change the past. I will not dwell on it, but I certainly will learn from it. This time I got scared. I do not remember much from yesterday except for my Dad who was there. I was confused, in pain, angry. This slip up was planted in my brain two weeks ago. I did what I am supposed to do to try and cope and it worked until Friday. I did not take the risk serious enough. I made a choice and said fuck it. I went to Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting tonight and was filled with hope. I cannot get over confident.
May 28, 2019
My friends beginning tomorrow I will be 1 day clean and 45 days smoke free.
I understand you may be experiencing a variety of emotions.
I started this to share both my successes and setbacks.
I need to be accountable to the loves of my life and to keep me honest.
Today, I was discharged from Homewood and now write from Guelph General Hospital following a 3 day drug binge in Kitchener.
Addiction is 15% drug and 85% behaviour. This slip up t is a part of my recovery process.
I ended it, sought help, and came clean with my team, my doctors, my family, and now you.
I know why, what led to it and what I didn’t do.
What is important to me is to focus not on the slip up but what I did about it and what I need to work on.
Some of you may leave my journey and that’s okay. I will continue stronger from this slip up.
Be kind to yourself.
May 24, 2019
41 days clean and 39 days smoke free!!!
Prior to my active addiction, I began to withdraw from my social circles.
I was becoming increasingly angry and impatient.
During my active addiction I stopped talking to those who loved me – except my mother and father.
Rather than risk vulnerability, I developed habits that kept others at a safe distance. I was emotionally, and later, physically isolating.
I began to take risks I always said I would never take, but now, I’m taking risks with my feelings.
By sharing with other addicts, and sharing my story with you, I’ve learned I’m not unique in that respect.
I’m beginning to shed the emotional camouflage that I wore during my active addiction.
I will continue being vulnerable and celebrate the new developing me!
May 23, 2019
I was having tremendous cravings on the train ride home Friday. My emotions were running high. I was nervous, scared, excited, anxious and my addict brain took advantage of the situation.
I closed my eyes and said quietly, “Please help me,” concentrating on my breathing. I reopened my eyes minutes later to a woman in the seat in front of me. She said hello so I asked her what brings her to Windsor.
She said, “Well, I’m coming from Toronto. I was in rehab, and this is my first time home in 18 months.”
If I could have said, “Holy shit,” I would have. What I needed at that exact moment was someone who could understand what I was going through.
And she was sitting in front of me all along. Sometimes I just have to ask.
My spirit guide is protecting me.
I am grateful and feeling loved.
Good night, my friends.
May 23, 2019
40 days clean and 38 days smoke free!
I have hurt and disappointed many people.
Initially I thought that if I said sorry, all would be good.
But as I continue my road to recovery I’m realising making amends is NOT about me. My motives for apologizing were an effort to purge myself of the guilt I feel for what I’ve done.
This is selfish.
Amends are action based and about the person to whom I’ve done wrong.
And some things are better left unsaid because by saying them, it could do much more harm to the person than any good.
Making amends is Step 9 for a reason.
IT’s not about clearing MY conscience, it’s about taking responsibility for the things I have done that have harmed the ones I love.
I ask my spirit guide for patience and strength as I continue to work the steps.
May 22, 2019
For my friend – you know who you are.
You are worth so much more than 1 gram.
In fact, you are probably more than 80,000 grams.
No matter how hard it is, no matter what life throws at you, there are 80,000 grams of you to fight that pathetic little 1 gram bag.
If you could see what I see in you.
Now I need to look in the mirror and say the same.
I’m scared. I’m scared for you, but together we make up 160,000 grams to that piece of shit 1 gram bag whose only mission is to end your life.
