Author: Chris

May 22, 2019

During my active addiction I was exceptionally self-centred and self-absorbed. I masked my emotional pain by being very judgmental, and spent most of the time wallowing in self–pity and trying to control things that can not be controlled.

Although there is much work to be done, I noticed some small things – I’m turned off by negativity, and leave these situations.

I’m becoming far less judgmental, spending less time finding fault and more time actively listening to people.

And, yes, I’m smiling much much more.

One person here at treatment said when I walked in, I looked angry and unapproachable.

Now, I’m all smiles and it’s beautiful, she said.

This is healing.

This is recovery and I am grateful.

May 21, 2019

165 white key tags.

That is journey of one addict I met tonight.

A white key tag is given to the addict who is coming to NA for the first time, from a relapse, or recommitting to the program.

Recovery is not easy-peasy, it’s fucking hard – and that’s not self-pity, that’s reality.

One simply does not wake up one day and say, “Hey I wanna be a drug addict” nor does one wake up one day and say “Hey I’m cured.”

Recovery is that back country road full of road blocks, pot holes, detours and dead ends, and it’s so tempting to take the nicely paved highway because it’s easier.

Recovery is facing your fears, your pain, and looking at yourself in the mirror and saying YOU ARE WORTH MORE.

This man, 165 times, never stopped trying and today he is 17 months clean.

He inspired me tonight. I am not special in that I am any different or any worse off than another. We are all the same in that no matter what, recovery is possible if I commit to it.

38 days clean and I promise myself 39.

One day at a time.

Goodnight and be kind to each other.

May 21, 2019

I can relate to this meme. “I don’t feel like Pooh today.”

Everyday as I fell further down the rabbit hole, I felt less and less like me. Those close to me tried desperately to help. Like Piglet they acted out of the best of intentions, but they were only enabling me.

After a while the only way I felt “normal” was if I had enough “tea and honey” until I did. That’s the insidious part of addiction.

Normal was being vacantly high – without thought, emotion, or care.

But today I’m discovering who I am. I see my smile – so foreign when all I had was anger.

I see my eyes, electric and alive, so foreign when all I saw was vacuous and empty.

And for the first time in a very long time, I am beginning to see my soul, vulnerable, strong, and beautiful.

I am grateful for both Brentwood and Homewood and everyone I have met thus far on my recovery journey.

I am truly blessed.

Thank you.

May 21, 2019

We always seek people who share commonalities – shared interests’ experiences, hobbies.

When I first attended Narcotics Anonymous I was broken and afraid. As I began to identify with other addicts I felt less alone and developed a greater sense of belonging.

I continue going to NA meetings to keep in touch with who I am, where I’ve come from, and where I am going.

Every meeting reminds me that I’ll never be cured, but that by practicing the principles of the program I can recover.

And every meeting offers me the experience and example of other addicts in ongoing recovery.

I am grateful for Narcotics Anonymous and look forward to going tonight

May 20, 2019

Only by getting better do I see how sick I was.

My routine was thrown out of whack, and like dominos I began to lose control and shut down.

I was so tired I fell asleep and missed both NA and my drug test. I could have set my alarm but I did not.

This is how addiction works.

It may be just one time my schedule fell apart, but the addict mind uses that to justify future transgressions which ultimately leads to relapse.

I need to be accountable and that means doing whatever it takes to stay on schedule to ensure it does not happen again.

I have to live life on life’s terms. No exceptions.

May 20, 2019

37 days clean and 35 days smoke free.

Before active addiction took hold, I began to isolate from family and friends. I began to blame them believing they had abandoned me. Eventually, I started to avoid other addicts. My life narrowed to the point of sitting alone in my darkened basement using; lonely, afraid and wanting to die.

Today, I am picking up former hobbies such as piano and am enjoying activities with other recovering addicts. I have and want time for my family. I’ve even discovered many other pursuits that give me pleasure like ceramics. What a change from just 6 months ago! Enjoyment is returning to my life, truly a gift of recovery!

May 19, 2019

Last night was so so incredibly hard. The urge to use was HUGE. My addiction never gives up in its promise of death, but I DID IT! Using the tools from rehab I realised I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. But I talked with my sponsor, meditated and embraced my fear. Drugs will not change the past, they only offer death and I want to live.

May 18, 2019

I am kind of nervous. Deep breath. Exhale. I am home for the weekend.

May 17, 2019

Nothing is a coincidence.

Everything I am experiencing is meant to happen exactly how it’s happening.

Even people who have done me wrong I am grateful for because they have made me stronger.

May 17, 2019

“Perseverance is more prevailing than violence; and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little.”

Every single thought we have affects our lives.

For me, it was easier to be negative, to criticize, to tear down to make myself feel better. One could say I was addicted to negativity.

But every thought has an effect, and I do not have the time nor energy for a negative thought.

On my journey to recovery I will have many thoughts, and it is vital I take one thought at a time to understand the motivation behind it, to slow down, so as to not become overwhelmed.