Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

2nd Chances

May 7, 2019

*** For immediate crisis support in Windsor-Essex (Or Canada), you can call the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline (9-8-8) for 24/7 free support, or the Community Crisis Centre at 519-973-4435 for ages 16+. You can also text 686868 with the Crisis Text Line.  In an emergency, call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department. ***

My name is Chris and I am an addict. This is part 7 of my story.

The night was quiet save my heart pounding in my head, pleading with me to get up and go home. There were no more tears to be cried, no goodbyes to be said as I pushed up the sleeve of my jacket. The veins in my forearms pulsed in anticipation of receiving it’s toxic nirvana.

I looked to the sky one final time, took a deep breath and plunged the syringe into my vein.

A fire flooded through my veins as Crystal gripped my heart in her cold icy hands. A bolt of darkness seared through my brain as I stumbled to the ground.

I reached up grasping at the bench as a brilliance of a thousand suns blinded my eyes in a searing hot flash.

This was it. This is what I wanted. My final exit.

Sweat poured from my body as a numbing pain seized my arm. I gasped for what I hoped would be my last breath. My heart pounding, screamed in agony and I began to shake uncontrollably.

But as the tears of pain and rage rained down my face I suddenly realized I was not going to die.

The searing pain in my heart became cold, and the trembling subsided. I let out a long gasp of frustration, slowly pulling myself up from the ground. But I fell, unable to stand as the world spun and I descended into a euphoric conscious unconsciousness.

I do not know how long I had been down or even how I walked for that matter, but I found myself in front of my dealer’s home determined to escape from Crystal’s grasp forever.

But even her promise of death was false; I couldn’t even kill myself properly I thought. I knocked at the door for what would be my last time.

David, typically business like and efficacious in demeanor, looked at me in what appeared to be shock. He opened the door and came out into the yard holding my promise of death.

Staring with sorrow in his eyes he said, “You need to get help.”

Expectations

May 6, 2019

I realised today part of my addiction is fuelled by expectation.

Before Mr. Hyde took over, I would be willing to do almost anything for someone.

Although I believed I was being selfless, there was always a lingering expectation that when I was in trouble or in need, those I helped would be there for me.

When that didn’t happen, I began to resent those people I had helped, which festered and rotted in my soul.

This does not mean I will stop helping people, it does mean that quid pro quo is no longer part of my vocabulary and that helping people does not mean setting my needs aside.

Rainbow

May 6, 2019

From a friend. Thank you.

“When it rain it pours but you didn’t even notice
It ain’t rainin’ anymore, it’s hard to breathe when all we know is
the struggle of staying above the rising water line.”

Reunited

May 6, 2019

The small boy wiped away his tears and looking up at me he said,

“What would joy be like without pain?
What would a garden be like without rain?
If everyday was happy, would that not be sad?
If we had no winter, would the spring bloom still shine?
If there was no darkness, would we ever see the light?”

I picked him up, gave him a hug and whispered quietly, “You were gone so long, I didn’t realise I missed you.”

Gratitude

May 3, 2019

Often, I find myself focusing on the things I do not have whether that be material goods, wealth, or experiences.

This focus tends to lead to comparisons which then leads to depression or worse, jealously.

Just for Today: My gratitude has a voice of its own; when it speaks, the heart understands.

Today, I will share my gratitude with others, whether I can find the words or not. I am grateful for all the support and love that I have received.

t truly is a gift of life. I can only keep what I give away freely.

Self-Centered Thinking

May 2, 2019

Learned what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is: changing thought patterns to change behaviour.

For example, your friend is walking towards you and walks past without saying hello. Do you think:

a) They’re mad at you and want nothing to do with you anymore.

b) They didn’t see you.

c) They are upset about something and are preoccupied.

I immediately answer a.

However, it could be he didn’t see you, or is preoccupied with something.

I had to chuckle at myself. In every scenario presented I always selected the one that was about me – he hates me, I wanted this, me …. totally expected with an addict mind.

The challenge – changing those thoughts before they turn into action.

Searching

May 2, 2019

Once I had accepted I was gay, I had difficulty reconciling my religious beliefs with that of who I was.

So I turned my back on the Church and on God.

One of my biggest challenges in my recovery is this concept of spiritual principles and a Higher Power.

For me, that Higher Power is you. It is our connectedness, our shared experiences, our mutual understanding.

If one hurts we all hurt. If one succeeds, we all succeed.

If you are reading this, YOU are my higher power and spiritual principles such as honesty, open mindedness, faith, willingness, and humility are a blueprint for life.