Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

My Name is Chris

April 24, 2019

I changed my name back to my birth name [on Facebook].

It is no coincidence I changed it to John Christopher in active addiction. It is as if my subconscious was acknowledging I was not me.

However, my name is Chris.

I am a recovering addict and I am responsible for using the first time as well as for my recovery.

Higher Power

April 23, 2019

Today is an awesome day.

Just for today I promise not to use.

Just for today all I have to know right now about my Higher Power is that it is the Power that helps keep me clean.

You, my friends, are my Higher Power.

Our interconnectedness, our humanity.

When one hurts we all hurt.

When one celebrates we all celebrate.

The Vicious Cycle

April 22, 2019

My name is Chris and I am a recovering addict. This is part 3 of my story.

Crystal was always plotting and scheming, but one thing she was not was unrestrained. She was patient because she knew what I denied: I was infatuated with her.

When I first quit meth, one of many futile attempts, it seemed easy, but she is deceiving that way. It’s never easy to leave her; she wants you to believe it is so that in that fatalistic moment when you fully comprehend how much you need her, she owns you.

The first day without her went well. I was tired and a bit confused, but overall I felt as if I had a mild hangover. But hell hath no fury as a woman scorned and Crystal unleashed her full unrelenting fury the second day.

I awoke that morning drenched in sweat with a strong chemical odor oozing from every pore on my body. I could taste its bitter sweetness in my mouth as I licked the back of my hands and fingers. That is when I also first heard them. Quiet murmerings that soon shattered every neuron in my brain in a blinding excrutiating light.

But Crystal was only getting warmed up.

Every fibre in my body screamed in agony as I crawled down the stairs towards the phone to make the first of what would be many sick calls to work.

My partner, concerned, asked what was wrong and I managed a feeble response of “flu” as my muscles tightened throughout my body like a python strangles its prey.

By day 3 I was wishing that death would come swiftly. The screams in my head became one intelligible word: more.

As I picked up the phone to call my dealer, I saw a figure dancing in the shadows.

It was Crystal and she was smiling.

Forgiveness

April 22, 2019

It’s amazing the gifts that come when I begin to open my heart.

It’s so damn hard and overwhelming and the pain would be unbearable if I was not surrounded by all your love.

I am not a bad person. I am a good man who has done bad things for which I must forgive myself.

One day at a time.

Hook, Line and Sinker

April 21, 2019

My name is Chris and I am a recovering addict. This is my story.

The time proceeding the apocalypse was relatively quiet. The calm was deceiving though, for deep within my heart a tsunami was building that would nearly destroy everything I had once held dear.

My drug use initially was limited to cocaine and was truly, in all senses of the word, recreational – for now. I neither craved nor desired it until the one day I could not buy and that is when Crystal introduced herself to me.

Oh she was cunning.

She was always there. She was just waiting for the opportune time. She was oh so seductive.

There was a sensuality and sexiness about her as I exhaled her deadly clouds of vapour playfulness.

And I knew it was wrong.

I knew if I invited her in she would never leave. I knew the deceitful cowardly bitch would not hesitate to strike me down when she grew tired of me.

But … people liked me when she was with me. I was focused, amicable, even sexy.

People wanted to be around me. They sought me out.

I, for the first time, was popular.

I had found my crowd among the crystalline clouds.

But I had to stop. I knew I would not be able to keep up financially nor physically for that matter. Staying awake for 3 days takes its toll.

So I tried to stop, but Crystal did not like that very much and had other plans for me.