Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

What Are Drugs Like?

October 28, 2019

Author Unknown

If someone was to ever ask me what it’s like to do drugs, I would tell them this:

It’s like spending every single penny you ever had, on drugs.

It’s like going days without eating even though you were starving, but you needed dope more.

It’s like going days without sleep only to shoot up more dope to stay awake to shoot up more dope.

It’s like having to lie to every family and friend in your life.

It’s like believing all the lies you’ve told is the truth.

It’s like lighting a whole pack of cigarettes and never smoking one.

It’s like waking up hating yourself from the shame and guilt.

It’s like going into withdrawals every 6 hours then repeating the ritual of injecting yourself over and over again.

It’s like never attending any family event because you were too high.

It’s like everything was on your drug dealers time. If they said five hours, you’ll wait 10 or more.

It’s like being late to every single day of your life even if you started getting ready long before you were supposed to be somewhere.

It’s like losing so much weight you can’t fit into any of your clothes.

It’s like losing everything you’ve ever owned or loved in your entire life.

It’s like nobody believing a word you say, even if it was the truth.

It’s like being a prisoner inside your own head that you can’t get away from.

It’s like contemplating suicide every single day.

It’s like never being scared to die.

It’s like trying to shut your brain up for even five minutes.

It’s like seeing your family and friends beg for you to stop, only for you to leave and go get high because the shame is just too much.

It’s like stopping is impossible on your own.

It’s like you’d do absolutely anything for more. And you did.

It’s like talking in circles for hours about absolutely nothing.

It’s like living in places you’d never go before you did dope with no power and no running water.

It’s like no matter where you go everyone knows you’re a drug addict.

It’s like thinking everyone is out to get you and people can read your every thought.

It’s like walking into rehab 100 pounds with the clothes on your back and being scared to death.

It’s like giving your entire life away.

So if you’re ever curious like I was, please at least know the truth.

Curiosity killed the cat, and it’ll kill you too.

People Love You

October 25, 2019

Today after my workout I approached a woman and I asked her if she was my neighbour. She looked familiar, but I did not recognise her totally.

She stared at me, got a bit emotional and said, “Oh my God, Chris?”

She knew I had been to rehab, but hadn’t seen me and feared the worst. “You were always outside and suddenly you weren’t, I’m glad you are okay!” and gave me the longest hug ever.

I got teary eyed and heard that damn voice in my head say, “Why?”

I wish that voice would go away. I told it, “Because people love you.”

The Will To Live

October 24, 2019

Tonight at NA, we had a reading about illness.

21 years ago, I was given five years to live. It was a difficult time for me coming after some experimenting with drug use, so there was a lot of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

My downward spiral accelerated until I moved home. I do not believe I fully recovered from that traumatic period.

My councillor asked me if I was afraid of dying – I’m not and this may have created a reservation in my program.

Living Clean says, “We want to be certain we are acting on our beliefs, and not opening a reservation that could lead us back to using.”

Could part of my addiction be that I still believe I may die, despite all evidence to the contrary, so using isn’t going to change anything?

This is why I am so grateful for NA. It forces me to be honest with myself. I want to live and will live a full healthy life if I do not use.

I need to forgive myself for hurting myself, acknowledge and accept that pain I felt so deeply 21 years ago.

I think tonight was big for me.

Self-Forgiveness

October 22, 2019

He was angry. He had been building a sandcastle and everytime he added a new spire, the waves washed another away.

But that is not why he was angry. He was angry at me.

“You don’t talk to me,” he pouted.

“Come sit with me,” I said.

“Why? Why now? All you have done is ignore me.”

“Please can we talk?”

The boy put down his small orange shovel and sat next me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “You never gave up on me. Even during the most difficult times, you were there. You were the one lifting me up.”

I paused. “Remember when you were lost and couldn’t hear me calling you?’

“Yeah…” he said pausing.

“You are a lot stronger than you think. I abandoned you. I thought if I got good grades said all the right things, wore the right clothes, talked with the right people, people would like me, accept me.”

“I was only 13 years old. You left me alone to deal with everything while you went off to your fantasy land,” he cried.

I continued.

“You were only trying to protect me in the only way you knew how. I know this now”

“So you’re not mad at me?” he asked.

I put my arm around his shoulder.

“Mad? Not all. You did what you thought best and I love you for that.”

He wrapped his tiny arms around me.

“I love you too.”

“We’ll get through this,” I promised him. “It will be okay.”

I’m Never Alone

October 19, 2019

Normally, I go to the pharmacy with someone because right now, the temptations are too great. But today I had to go alone because I absolutley had to get my prescriptions filled.

Immediately upon reaching the counter I thought about buying diabetic syringes. I grew anxious, handed my script in and was on the phone in seconds with a friend from NA who distracted me while I waited.

When it was ready, the pharmacist, who overheard my conversation, pulled me aside and said I did not need to come in anymore. My doctor put renewals on the prescriptions so they will be automatically filled and delivered to my home if I so choose.

One more day clean is another successful day.

Awakenings

October 17, 2019

Tonight I had an AHA! moment, and I think I understand now.

Two sisters came to the meeting tonight speaking of their frustration with their addict brother. They spoke about everything they tried to do to help their brother. They spoke of their hope that rehab would finally fix him.

I couldn’t stand to see what their brother was doing to them and had to speak. I said, “The best thing you can do to show your love is to back away. Recovery comes to those who want it, frustration to those who demand it.”

I then had a revelation about my own journey.

I only went to Brentwood because I saw the pain I had caused and wanted to ‘fix it.’ I didn’t go for me and ended up leaving and relapsing – and I left with the gift of trust and knowledge there were others like me.

When I went to Homewood, I did not go entirely for me. I knew I had a problem, but I focused on the pain and hopelessness I had caused loved ones agian. I ended up planning my relapse which landed me in the hospital. But I left Homewood understanding that I couldn’t people please my way out of addiction.

When I went to Bellwood, I went for me. I was terrified that I was going to die if I did not give myself the gift of recovery. This time I completed the program, awakened my conscience and opened my heart. All these emotions came flooding in and I panicked and relapsed because I chose to. But then I realised I was tired of this. I had had enough.

Now, all three experiences are coming together. Someone asked me tonight, when are you going to stop being a victim of your life?

Now.