Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

Recovery Is Not An Exam

Ocotober 8, 2019

Had my counseling appointment.

My counselor said I was a very bright, articulate man who knows all the answers, knows what he must do …. but … (here it comes I thought) what can we do to move it from your head to your heart?

She is right. Recovery is not an exam I study for, it is a way of life.

It reminds me of a Winnie the Pooh comic when Piglet asks Pooh, “How do you spell love?” and Pooh replied “You don’t spell it, you feel it.”

What can I do … I don’t know.

Allowing myself to feel fully is a frightening prospect.

Believe In You

October 8, 2019

A gentleman was walking through an elephant camp, and he spotted that the elephants weren’t being kept in cages or held by the use of chains.

All that was holding them back from escaping the camp, was a small piece of rope tied to one of their legs.

Curious and wanting to know the answer, he asked a trainer nearby why the elephants were just standing there and never tried to escape.

The trainer replied;

“When they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

Moral of the story:

No matter how much the world tries to hold you back, always continue with the belief that what you want to achieve is possible. Believing you can become successful is the most important step in actually achieving it.

How Did I Get Here?

October 2, 2019

Some people have asked, how did you become an addict and why didn’t you stop?

Well, how I became one is complicated, but I never believed I would become addicted. A few friends used, and they didn’t seem addicted, so I thought it would be fun to try.

Trust me, I look back and wish I hadn’t. But I did and can’t change that.

At first, I could manage it until I needed it everyday – even then I said, as long as I don’t go into withdrawals, it’s all good.

Then I started needing more everyday, which I learned at Homewood this was when my brain determined I needed the drug more than food or sleep to survive.

By then shame and guilt made me afraid to ask for help – because I would have to admit my problem. It was only when I could not go on living did I ask for help.

Even now the desire to use is strong, despite all the negative consequences. When I relapsed, it was like I was watching myself go and pick up. My rational brain was screaming you don’t want to do this, but I was on autopilot. That was terrifying – having full knowledge of past consequences and the high risks involved, but unable/unwilling to stop myself. This time though, I eventually stopped out of anger. I am learning.

Most days I am good, but when triggered, it is a battle – for now. I yearn for the day I no longer have the desire. Rehab is not a cure, it is a start to recovery.

I started sharing my story 10 months ago to hold myself accountable and to hopefully change perspectives. Addicts could be your neighbours, friends, son, daughter, brother, sister, mother or father. They are people in pain, soothing it and silently screaming for help.

Not everyone can see this, and that’s okay. Their opinion of me is none of my business.

There Is No Try – Only Do

September 30, 2019

I remember the times I would say to someone, “I’ll try that”, with no intention of ever doing so.

Not only was this dishonest and noncomittal, I was continuing my habit of telling people what they wanted to hear – people pleasing.

Recovery is not a buffet filled with various dishes and desserts to try. In recovery there are only two dishes: Do or don’t.

Choose freedom, or choose jails, institutions, or death.

As the saying goes, I am either working on my recovery, or working on my relapse. There is no try. There is only do.

Self Acceptance

September 26, 2019

Accepting myself as I am has been the next most challenging part of this journey.

I have spent my entire life defining myself through the expectations of others. I have neither honoured nor been true to myself. Who am I without this, or that has been a perpetual question.

I must answer this to accept who I am at this very moment.

I am special, unique, given life to fulfill my purpose.

I am a survivor, I am strong – I would not have come this far if I was not.

I am not, nor ever will be alone.

I am loved. You have all shown me this.

I am nurturing. I have a desire to see that people are cared for, comforted, safe, but I need to do the same for me first.

At Bellwood I created a life mission statement I’d like to share. It is this vulnerability I must embrace: “To find, pursue, accept and become my destiny and achieve my true greatness.”

Depressed

September 24, 2019

Needed to see this.

Feeling depressed, part of the detox process I guess.

Went to NA, was hard being present until one guy came up to me after and said, “Sometimes it takes a relapse or two before we really apply the spiritual principles. You picked yourself up, now climb back onto that horse.”

I will.

I Fell Again

September 23, 2019

All of you have been so supportive, encouraging and loving. This has given me so much hope. It is for this reason it is so hard to say that I slipped while I was in Toronto.

Once I picked up I remembered again why I wanted so desperately out of that world of paranoia, fear and loneliness. In anger I threw out what was left.

I called my NA friends, my councillor and all asked me what I was going to do about it.

I do not have the luxury of negative thinking, shame or guilt.

I understand now why it happened, and what the trigger was.

I also have hope in that I threw out the remaining supply and did not continue. This is addiction.

This is my daily battle.

Self-pity and shame are dangerous.

So last night I stood before my homegroup and received my white key tag again.

Several came up after to hug me, welcome me back, and told me they have faith and to keep coming back.

I hope I continue to have your support.