Author: Chris

September 11, 2019

I believed recovery was measured in clean time. While this may be one aspect, a healthy recovery is also measured in actions taken. Actions such as coming home when I say I will. By speaking truth to those around me. By going to 12-Step and SMART meetings. By coming here and most importantly, by doing whatever it takes to become the person I was destined to be: A loving partner, a better friend, son and brother, and a productive member of society.

Bellwood is a gift. Freedom from addiction is what we fight for. It is knowing where our relationship with addiction takes us, where it left us, and where we allowed it to go. I do not have the dubious luxury of a negative thought. I deserve better than negative self-talk. I can’t and I should are no longer in my vocabulary. I can and I will are.

I am, we are, worthy of giving and receiving love. I am learning to own my past, accept my defects, celebrate my strengths and to have compassion for the child within. Through your stories of courage, you’ve taught me there is growth from pain and that I never fight alone.

Beginning today, yesterday is gone, today is this moment, and tomorrow is whatever we dream it to be.

WE ARE WORTHY OF RECOVERY.

Thank you to the support councillors for your compassion and ear. My primary councillor for standing beside me as I faced my demons and the facilitators for the tools I need in my recovery.

To the staff who cooked for us and cleaned up after us, and the doctors and nurses who cared for us – thank you.

And thank you. You each have given me an arsenal to fight for a life that has always been worth living – even in darkness. For this I am truly grateful.

Finally, I cannot forget Maverick. I will miss your morning greeting, inquisitive enthusiasm, and wet sloppy kisses.

Summer may be coming to an end, but our new life is just beginning.

September 6, 2019

Hello my friends!

Discharge date is September 12. Coming home September 18 after visiting my amazing parents. Allowed phone to buy train ticket.

101 days clean and 143 days smoke free!!!

Until then, thank you for the cards and flowers. Knowing I have this support gave me strength to do the work necessary for my ongoing recovery.

August 1, 2019

My last post until Autumn.

Thank you for having faith in me.

Thank you for being there when I fell.

Thank you for showing me I am better than drugs and deserve better.

Thank you for your patience.

And most importantly, thank you for your unconditional love.

See you in September!

July 30, 2019

Sometimes the reason I’m at a meeting is as blatantly obvious as a neon sign on the moon. Tonight three members relapsed, and a member lost her partner to an overdose. She was in my group and she was destroyed. For me, I no longer saw her, but I saw Jordan. I saw my Mom. They were devastated and questioning why through a torrent of tears.

I cried for her and the pain, anger and grief she must feel.

I cried for her partner, a life snuffed out because his pain was too much to bear. I cried for my mom and Jordan because that could be me.

But if this woman can stand strong in the face of a devastating loss, so too can I.

It was a stark and painful reminder of what awaits on the other side of recovery if I am not viligent.

Good night my friends.

Somewhere someone is hurting so much they see no hope.

Be that hope.

July 27, 2019

For the first time in years, I am home alone, with cats by my side, and I feel calm in solitude, not loneliness, with no desire to use.

I was typically preoccupied with finding, getting and using my D.O.C. on Saturdays. The freedom I feel at this very moment is beyond words.

Freedom from my prison of addiction.

Good night my friends.

July 27, 2019

We did it! One day at a time!

July 26, 2019

I often credit my drug dealer for saving my life – and he did by pointing me to the path to recovery.

But there is one person who saved my life with love.

I lost everything that night in December. My partner, my house, and many friends. My job would have been next had the series of events that is now in the past not occurred.

Addiction affects the whole family, and my partner is no exception. Despite the lies, the hurt, and the betrayal of trust, Jordan has remained by my side through it all. He may be of few words, and may not understand everything, but no one stands by with love and support just for the hell of it.

Everyday I thank my Higher Power for him.

Everyday I thank my Higher Power for a second chance at life with him.

July 26, 2019

In 6 days I leave for Bellwood where I will receive support and help to confront, accept, and begin to heal some pretty big issues that were exposed at Homewood.

It will be life changing. I am no longer afraid.

7 months ago, I wanted to die, feeling alone, afraid, and hopeless. Today, I want to live, and not just live, but flourish. I want to realise my dreams.

I am beginning to see I do not need others’ approval nor sell my soul for their acceptance.

I am who I am and that is all I ever want to be, with all my quirks, strengths, and perfect imperfections.

As I said, I have come far, and have a lifetime to go.

I am reclaiming my life from meth and toxic people, and it feels amazing.

July 25, 2019

3 months ago I wrote to a friend:

“… I don’t mean disrespect but I don’t know why people are being so nice. I was awful and don’t deserve this. It’s all so overwhelming. I mean I am so glad I’m not alone but at the same time I don’t know why. Especially the ones I hurt the most. They keep coming back.”

I read this and I cried. I wanted to hug me until I believed that I was worthy of love and everything that comes with that.

I am in a different spot today, but my demons sometimes still tell me I am unworthy. Yet somewhere amongst all those neurons, I believe I am worthy.

Why else would I invest so much time and energy into my recovery?

In my moments of weakness I need to remember this and be patient with those parts of me that resist and show them the way out with love.

It’s hard, it hurts and sometimes I want to scream ‘fuck it’ and get high taking comfort in my addiction’s familiar embrace.

And that’s okay to feel that way.

That is my hurt coming to the surface and that is exactly when I need to dig deep and not run.

I have come far and nothing can take that from me unless I allow it.

Goodnight my friends.

July 25, 2019

Over the last few days I have been observing with a certain amount of curiosity how I react to situations.

I typically respond in one of two ways – with fear or anger.

My self-worth has historically been grounded in fear that people won’t like me if I don’t act a certain way.

This is the result of the fear of being alone.

If I do what people expect of me and still am alone, I get angry. When my boss would call me into her office, I would be afraid. What did I do wrong? Am I in trouble?

Then, fight or flight took hold and my own personal tornado would ensue.

I give my emotions their destructive power. Fear, anger and people pleasing feed my insecurities, lack of self-worth and esteem. These emotional habits led to my drug use.

At the core of the fear response is wanting to feel good. I want people to like me. I want affirmation and approval, but that has to come from me.

The question then is how did this script get written and can I rewrite it?