Author: Chris

I left the hateful rhetoric of Facebook to come here to carry a message of hope and healing I'm in recovery from addiction and rebuilding a life filled with purpose and creativity. Whether I'm playing the piano, baking, gardening, or knitting, I’ve found healing in the simple, meaningful moments. Buzz Kill Diaries is where I share honest reflections on recovery - one day at a time.

Compassion

July 24, 2019

Compassion literally means “suffer together” and practising compassion helps me stop comparing myself to others, to focus on our similarities rather than our differences and this, in turn, banishes negativity and destructive criticism.

Focusing on differences led to me isolate because no one could possibly understand what I was feeling, or going through. Isolation led me to very dark places. But practicing compassion opens the pathway to connections with others.

The addict I reach out to in a time of need, may well be the person who saves my life later (Living Clean p. 27).

Connection with other people offers me hope and our connection provides hope for others who may feel they struggle alone. I can practice compassion in many ways, through acceptance, active listening, listening with intent, kind speech (how I say things), and appreciation.

True Love

July 22, 2019

A friend sent me this:

Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It’s not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It’s not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep. It’s not a clean home, filled with laughter and love making every day.

It’s someone who steals all the covers, and snores, it’s slammed doors and some harsh words at times. It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal, and then offering forgiveness and being forgiven.

It’s coming home to the same person every day that you know loves and cares about you in spite of, and because of, who you are.

It’s laughing about the one time (many times) you accidentally did something stupid. It’s about dirty laundry and unmade beds. It’s about helping each other with the hard work of life.

It’s about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It’s about eating the easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour because you both had a crazy day.

It’s when you have an emotional breakdown and your love lays down with you and holds you, and tells you everything is going to be okay. And you believe them.

It’s about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.

Loving someone isn’t always easy, sometimes it’s hard. But it is amazing and comforting and one of the best things you will ever experience.

Alive

July 22, 2019

Today was one of those days I am grateful to be alive.

Even though I’m not feeling the greatest, the flowers were more brilliant, the sky more blue, the breeze more refreshing.

Although I am scared to go to Bellwood, my emotions do not rule me today. I am just letting them be, aware they are there and that is all.

The song ‘Alive’ by Edwin popped into my head today, and I’m posting these lines for you as I say good night:

Ain’t it good to breathe the air?

Another spin around the sun.

On this speck of light in the universe.

A little piece of love’s in everyone.

I Am Who I Am

July 20, 2019

“If we allow things outside ourselves to define who we are, we end up like a tree with no roots. At the first storm we are liable to come crashing down” (Living Clean p. 92).

I allowed this to occur because all my life I felt like an outsider, a loner, and yearned for a sense of belonging.

So, I became a chameleon, adapting to my environment trying to fit in, yet I still felt empty. But I found a sense of belonging in drug culture.

Now I look back and realise this ‘culture’ and belonging was merely a group of people hurting and using each other – our connections and money – to self-medicate.

I didn’t want to be alone in my pain – that came later in the end stages of addiction.

Today, the road to recovery is a lifetime of travel, but I am slowly rediscovering myself with child-like wonder.

I am becoming comfortable in my own skin and others have a choice: to accept me as I am, or walk away.

There will be more storms and this time I am ready to face them as I really am.

Go or Grow?

July 19, 2019

“There are no bad days, only good days and learning days.” (Basic Text p. 324).

Yesterday I struggled with grief, anger, frustration, impatience but if I change the way I look at it, it was a learning day filled with love, understanding, strength, and growth.

At NA, my Higher Power gave me comfort through the reading from Living Clean, “Growing Pains.” It stated:

“Eventually, all of us come to an emotional crisis in recovery. We start wondering if recovery will last or if we had just gotten a brief reprieve and we are about to go crazy again … don’t give up five minutes before the miracle. Many of us leave not when things are horrible, but when we have one more spiritual hump to get over. (Living Clean, p. 13).

I am never alone in my feelings.

We all go through similar emotional experiences.

Go or grow? That is the question and of course I choose grow.

Doing What Needs to be Done

July 18, 2019

Feeling overwhelmed.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I am tired of battling with myself and yet I know if I stop, the insanity will begin anew.

So many thoughts and feelings overwhelming my brain – and all my psychologist and I talked about at my first session was why I was seeing her, what brought me there, and how I really felt.

I thought I had no more tears, and yet there they were in the form of shame, guilt, and fear.

I don’t feel like going to NA tonight and yet because I feel that way, full of self-pity, I know I must go.

And all this from briefly shining a light on a demon that continues to feed on all the crap I give him, yet can’t stop – or is it I don’t want to stop because it is safe in that pain and anger?

Ugg. All I know is I need to go to my meeting and remember how far I come in the last 7 months.

Live to Love, Love to Live

July 18, 2019

Recovery is a life of opposites to my previous life.

I was desperate for drugs, now I am desperate to live.

Instead of running from pain, I am facing it and growing from it.

Rather than avoiding emotions, I am just letting them be and allowing myself to experience them.

Instead of suppressing my feelings, I am trying to express them.

Rather than isolate, I am opening myself to people and new experiences outside my comfort zone.

And finally, I have moved from complete dishonesty to eventually getting honest to rigorous honesty.

I am beginnning to practice “spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, unconditional love, sharing and caring” (Basic Text p. 51).

I was given the gift of desperation to challenge me to change and grow, to embrace life, to live to love, and love to live.

Poopy Fart Blasts

July 16, 2019

I had an endearing conversation with a 4 year boy at the optometrists.

He politely informed me he liked, “poopy fart blasts,” to the dismay of his mother.

He then asked me, “Why did the egg cross the road?”

I went through the motions of thinking really hard which was met with joyful giggles.

“The egg,” I said, “did not cross the road. The chicken had a poopy fart blast sending the egg flying across the road.”

They were done. He was screeching with delight and his mother thanked me for playing along.

Such joy.

I love recovery.

Bellwood Bound

July 16, 2019

Countdown begins.

Greenshield is covering the entire cost of my program at Bellwood and any additional weeks that may be required.

I am so fortunate and grateful to have benefits.

I did, however, turn down the private room offer. Isolating at rehab is the last thing I want to do. Besides, I like having someone to talk to.