Author: Chris

June 29, 2019

As I sit here at Tim Hortons, I am reminded of why I am grateful for … don’t laugh … Tim Hortons.

7 months ago at the bottom of my addiction, lonely and afraid, I’d go to Tim Hortons to not be alone, or to avoid going to NA so I could use.

The woman who served me always asked me how I was and would say nothing when I’d leave for the washroom to use and come back. Though she was enabling me, she kept me safe – harm reduction if you will.

Every now and then she’d slip me a bottle of water with my order. It was then I knew she knew.

It was then I experienced for the first time, non-judgement.

It was those moments in the abyss a shining light was trying to lead me home.

Sadly, I could not see, but I do now.

So I am grateful for Tim Hortons and that nameless woman who was trying to touch my heart.

Good night my friends.

Be kind to each other and to yourself.

June 28, 2019

My recovery journey thus far. Progress not perfection.

June 28, 2019

“Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change.”

For months I watched family and friends trying to help. After all, the man they loved had been falling apart it was only natural and human to want to help.

Even today, there are some beautiful souls who still want to help.

The sad truth: they can’t.

For the addict, lies don’t feel like lies. Betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction.

It feels like survival.

Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs.

I love my family and friends – your emotional support has been instrumental in my recovery.

But in my active addiction, friends and family were a means to support my addiction, or an obstacle.

The best, but hardest thing to do, is let me fall and experience the consequences of my decisions.

June 27, 2019

One day at a time!

June 26, 2019

My Higher Power helped me tonight by introducing me to newcomers, and some old timers, so to speak, I met at Brentwood.

I am so grateful for the fellowship tonight. Listening and sharing I heard a common theme – recovery is not easy, but together we are doing it day by day.

Tonight I shared my fears as well as the insights I have gained over the last few days.

I am learning emerging triggers and why I am afraid of setting up boundaries.

Tonight, I also heard the fears of other members and now mine do not seem that large. They are still important to face, but a different perspective makes them less fearful.

I will be asking someone to be my sponsor on Friday.

Meditation and reflection are good, but they only take me so far.

Good night my friends, and before you close your eyes, think of something you are grateful for. ♥️

June 26, 2019

The last couple of days have been difficult in my recovery.

No, I have not wanted to use, but I find myself growing frustrated, impatient, even angry with people, stuffing emotions out of fear. I am becoming withdrawn, resentments are surfacing, feelings of self-pity emerging.

By surrendering my self-will, I try my best to place my faith in my Higher Power for the results, but I cannot control those around me or outcomes – life on life’s terms – and that is good.

Relapse is a process and I am thankful I can recognise these warning signs.

I must establish boundaries and let go of expectations.

Today, I ask my Higher Power for strength and courage to talk to those around me and get back on my recovery track.

June 23, 2019

Surrendering should come easy for me, after all, I surrendered my will to drugs; doing anything to find, acquire and use them.

I only sought help when I was beaten – but even then I did not surrender.

Most of my pain comes from fighting, not surrendering.

In fact, when I surrender, the pain ends and hope takes its place. I begin to believe that all will be well and, after some time, realize that my life is much better as a result.

I feel the same way I did when I admitted I could not control my using – relieved, free, and filled with fresh hope.

A willingness to begin recovery is to walk blindly into that unknown – an enormous act of courage, hope, and trust.

What is most feared – an admission of defeat and a sign of weakness – comes to be truly understood as a sign of great strength.

June 22, 2019

Recovery is much like going to the gym.

There is pain.

You change your diet but instead of food, it’s people, places, and things.

Instead of muscle, you tear your mind and your soul.

Weights are love, compassion, and forgiveness.

I will have good workouts and not so good ones.

I will plateau and become discouraged.

But I am making gains.

Each day I am getting stronger. I am changing. My outlook is more positive. I am more patient.

Instead of anger, I feel empathy, instead of criticism I offer encouragement and understanding.

Everyday is a workout, and the people in my life my trainers.

I may not see the results of the work I am doing, but I am feeling it.

I will have setbacks, but that is when the opportunity for growth – or gains – is greatest.

June 21, 2019

24 days clean and 65 days smoke free.

In order to be honest with others, first I have to be honest with myself.

Honesty means more than just not lying.

The kind of honesty that is truly indispensable in recovery is self-honesty, which is neither easy nor simple to achieve.

In my addiction, I created a storm of self-deception and rationalization, a whirlwind of lies in which the small, quiet voice of self-honesty could not be heard.

I’m not hurting anyone, I can stop anytime, they hate me anyway, I am allowed some fun in my life, I just want to die.

These were some of the lies I told myself.

To become honest with myself, I first must stop lying to myself.

I must become quiet.

Then, in the resulting stillness, I must listen for truth. When I become silent, self-honesty will be there for me to find.

Today I will be quiet and still, listening for the voice of truth within myself.

I will honour the truth I find.

June 19, 2019

I am grateful I am clean. I am grateful to be alive.

Tonight’s Cocaine Anonymous meeting was powerful. So much power in a small room.

It was also challenging.

Just outside the door were dozens of men hoping to find shelter for the night. Some tweaking, others in states of psychosis, and still others inebriated and sleeping where they fell.

My heart went out to them all and yet at the the same time I was overcome with sadness and fear.

Fear that that could be me at any point if I do not remain viligent, care for myself, and know with my heart that I am worthy of all that is good.

I pray tonight for these lost men. I pray they live another day to say enough is enough.

But I did it. Came home, meditated, and now am calm.

Good night my friends.