Buzz Kill Diaries

July 16, 2019

Yesterday, I had this all too familiar feeling of a weight on my shoulders and tightness in my stomach – guilt and shame which grew more intense as the day went on.

Why?

I had lied. I lied in my share Sunday night because I was ashamed of the truth and I knew what I had to do. If I didn’t, it would add a new layer of guilt and shame and sowing the seeds for self-hate.

So I got honest immediately last night by apologising for lying and the speaking the whole truth and an amazing thing happened – I was thanked for my honesty and received hugs.

Someone came up to me after saying they completely understood, that they had done the same thing at one point.

Immediately, I felt the weight on my shoulders disappear and the knot in my stomach relaxed.

In my active addiction I told so many lies, my entire truth became a lie and it fed my demons.

Last night I chose to live by telling the truth.

July 13, 2019

There was a point in my addiction I thought I was THE man.

This pretense largely masked an underlying lack of confidence and self-esteem; I believed the issues I was having was because of those around me as opposed to my decision making.

There is nothing like walking into a room of strangers, baring your soul and breaking down to fully appreciate how powerless I was.

In today’s world, there is this belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that walking roughshod over people is a sign of strength.

It takes a considerable amount of strength and humility to acknowledge our weaknesses and ask for help. It’s how communities are built. Not only strengthening myself, humility strengthens my personal relationships and creates an environment of cooperation and connection.

July 11, 2019

As the date draws near to my next round of rehab, I am becoming more fearful. Fear.

My addict brain is screaming Fuck Everything And Run and is desperately trying to rationalize why I should self-sabotage.

The intent of Bellwood is to confront, heal, and grow from a trauma I did not know I had, until therapy released the memory. I am fearful what this will do.

What other demons are lurking, and will I be strong enough to confront this possibility?

My rational brain is telling me I will be in the hands of professionals who will help me to release myself from these final chains around my heart. Run or trust?

For the addict the answer is simple and the answer to be avoided. I will need to be vigilent and ask for help.

The men and women at NA tonight were awesome. I am grateful I got honest about my fears and the competing dialogues in my head.

Good night my friends. Be kind to yourself.

July 10, 2019

Before and during my active addiction I would listen to myself speak and say wow, why am I so negative?

Part of the reason was both depression and situational depression, but the rest? In the beginning I brought this negativity to the NA rooms.

A friend remarked, “Why are you being so hard on yourself?”

I stopped and listened to how people with years of clean time spoke and realised they spoke to the solution rather than the problem.

So I began speaking to solutions to my own (usually self-made) problems and my attitude and outlook is beginning to change.

People respond positively to positivity and moreover solutions are easier to find. It isn’t always easy, but I ask myself, am I adding any value to the conversation?

If not, it is probably better I simply listen.

July 6, 2019

The evening sunset. I am grateful to be alive to enjoy it, to have sight to see it, and recovery to appreciate it. May your day end in beauty.

Good night my friends.

July 5, 2019

Today was a little rough.

I had to establish a boundary with someone but botched it up. This individual believes addiction is not a disease, and that mental health is not an illness. This individual sent a message asking if I enjoyed talking about being sick all the time.

Rather than thinking things through calmly and responding appropriately, I reacted, replied harshly, and blocked them (then worried if I hurt the person, if they were okay).

This person did not deserve this reaction. My reaction was the result of stuffing my feelings over the years, not establishing boundaries, and wanting to please them by agreeing.

I am grateful for the experience as I am becoming more aware of my defects, and will learn from this experience.

Good night my friends.

You never know what someone else is going through.

Be kind to one another and to yourself.

July 4, 2019

He was crying.

“I just want to play,” he sobbed.

“There are better ways to play,” I said quietly, yet firmly.

I could hear the child getting up from his bed and walking towards the closed door.

“Show me,” he said.

“I will, but first I want you to think about what you did. Remember the last time you played like that?”

I could hear him slide down the door to sit on the floor.

“Yes,” he sniffed. “I got hurt pretty bad.”

“Who else did you hurt?” I asked whispering.

“You,” as he began crying again.

I opened the door and sat beside him, putting my arm around his shoulder.

“I forgive you and will always love you no matter what. But what I would like you to do is tell me all the things you would like to do. Can you do that for me?”

“Can I draw a picture?”

I smiled and he smiled as I said, “Yes.”

July 3, 2019

“I can’t escape this now, unless you show me how.”

This is one of those songs that I really identify with.

Self-will, isolation, lying, helplessness, hopelessness, knowing I was hurting people, and finally, the cry for help. The lines that broke me, “This is my Kingdom come.”

My Will was leading me to hell until that one person whose eyes shone so bright had to show me how to escape.

July 2, 2019

Everyday I make a choice: To live or to die. To use or not to use. To surrender or to take back my self will. To recover or to return to active addiction.

If I am not working on my recovery and applying spiritual principles such as honesty, openmindedness, willingness, and humility, I am working on my relapse.

There is no wiggle room.

Using dreams, cravings, stress, overwhelming emotions have, do and will happen.

But I always have a choice – to pick up or not.

Today, I choose recovery. I choose life.

June 30, 2019

I have been nervous to post this, posting, deleting, posting, deleting, but I cannot be worried about what people may – or may not – think. I’m not religious, but the concept of surrender transcends religion.

This song moved me the first time I heard it – so much in fact I began to cry. So here it is this time to stay.