October 17, 2019
Tonight I had an AHA! moment, and I think I understand now.
Two sisters came to the meeting tonight speaking of their frustration with their addict brother. They spoke about everything they tried to do to help their brother. They spoke of their hope that rehab would finally fix him.
I couldn’t stand to see what their brother was doing to them and had to speak. I said, “The best thing you can do to show your love is to back away. Recovery comes to those who want it, frustration to those who demand it.”
I then had a revelation about my own journey.
I only went to Brentwood because I saw the pain I had caused and wanted to ‘fix it.’ I didn’t go for me and ended up leaving and relapsing – and I left with the gift of trust and knowledge there were others like me.
When I went to Homewood, I did not go entirely for me. I knew I had a problem, but I focused on the pain and hopelessness I had caused loved ones agian. I ended up planning my relapse which landed me in the hospital. But I left Homewood understanding that I couldn’t people please my way out of addiction.
When I went to Bellwood, I went for me. I was terrified that I was going to die if I did not give myself the gift of recovery. This time I completed the program, awakened my conscience and opened my heart. All these emotions came flooding in and I panicked and relapsed because I chose to. But then I realised I was tired of this. I had had enough.
Now, all three experiences are coming together. Someone asked me tonight, when are you going to stop being a victim of your life?
Now.